A question has shown up on my virtual doorstep a few times lately. It has appeared again today. I feel it will continue to cast its long inquisitive shadow until I give it the thought it deserves and form a proper response. For me. Not to appease it. Questions don’t care.
“If you knew you could not fail, what would you try?”
I think I would give up struggling. It is the absence of something I would set my mind to in hopes that my life would naturally unfold on it’s intended path, rather than continually putting my effort into doing.
For years I have been suggesting to others that worry is a waste of time. And it is. But isn’t struggle just worry’s pompous cousin?
I have unwittingly made struggle, and its shadow, suffering, my soul mate. And as such we are actively in pursuit of more. I just never have enough money. I carry just enough debt to be annoying. I am never quite the size or athletic level I’d like to be. I think I’d rather live somewhere else or do something else.
The very act of wanting things to be different than the way they are is the root of all suffering.
I know what I want. Or at least somewhere in my being, all I want to do is wander and be amazed by nature and surprised, in all the best possible ways, by people and share these extraordinary experiences with others through photos and writing or just telling the guy sitting next to me on the plane. But all without the need for validation. All for the sake of it possibly helping or inspiring something in another.
But I long ago handed the reins over to my ego and it says, “Go this way because they like you or that way because you’ll be paid well and don’t you always struggle with money?” My ego is clever that way. It needs to be in charge, it feels confident,. But has it done a good job really? Aren’t I still stuck? The song may seem new, but the record keeps getting caught on the same groove.
But if I give up struggling, who am I? Who do become? Who will fill the soul mate void? The ego wants to know.
But if I get quiet I know the answer. I suppose on some level I always have, but it is too much of a risk.
The universe whispers, “Just do you. Just be.” It sounds so easy. Too easy. But what if being me isn’t enough? What if I fail? Then I remember the question.
And now I have my answer.